Love, Hannah
by turquoisejellyfish42
Summary: There was another tape. One not released to the others. The other reasons. Mom and Dad, I'm sorry... this one is for you. Rated T for language, sexual themes, and suicide.


I slide the tape into the old cassette player in my parents' room. I just finished recording it. The... last tape before my... my... suicide. I press play. My voice, my own voice comes dustily over the speakers.

_Hi Mom. If you're listening to this, you've probably already found me, and know what I... What I did to myself._

I sigh in the recording, my breath catching.

_Mom... I love you. You're my inspiration. My anchor. My... well, my mother. Or, you were. Not anymore._

Hannah in the tape laughs. But it's a bitter laugh, not a hint of joy in it.

_I made this tape because I want you to know what... what happened. I, um, suppose I owe you an apology. I know what I did could be perceived as selfish and unnecessary. Well, I tried my best to hold on. To fight it. But so many things happened, and I guess I just watched my life swirl out of my control._

_I should probably start at the beginning. Freshman year of high-school._

_Remember Kat? She had that younger sister, Lindsey, who you just adored. You kept gushing about how cute she was, and how well-behaved she was. Remember her? She moved away right before the start of school. That left her boyfriend up for grabs. He was really cute, and I kinda had a crush on him. His name was Justin. Justin Foley. I asked your advice, Mom. And you said to play hard to get. So I did that. And guess what? It worked. Who would've thought, right?_

_So, anyways. He called one night. I lied and told you he needed help with math homework, or something like that. You probably knew it wasn't true, though._

_We met at Eisenhower Park._

_Remember the rocket there? I had so many dreams about kissing him right there. I wanted to live out the dreams. And I did. His kiss was wonderful. My first kiss. I swear that was all we did. None of the stuff you hear my classmates say, although you probably don't know what that is. I'll tell you. Some say we did... things. We didn't. Everyone at school seems to think I'm a slut. And you know who started those rumors? That's right! Ding ding ding! None other than Mr. Justin Foley!_

Tape Hannah gives a sarcastic chuckle.

_He betrayed me. I gave him a chance to be my everything. Do you know what that's like, Mom? He threw away my reputation to boost his own. What an asshole. And that was just the beginning._

I pause it. Tape Hannah, as I have begun to call my recorded voice, sounds so forlorn, so resigned. It almost pains me to hear it. But I'm over pain. I'm over self-pity. My emotions have been replaced with a black void of spinning... well, emptiness. I wonder if this is what it feels like to go crazy. Not homicidal crazy or anything, just harmless... crazy. I lean my cheek on my hand, my elbow pressing into the hard black wood of the dresser that the cassette player is on.

My face is wet.

I hadn't realized I'd been crying. It's almost as if these aren't even my tears. Maybe they're my mom's when she comes home to this. Maybe they're Clay Jensen's: the non-reason, the innocent.

I press play.

_Next, Mom, is Alex Standall. I know, I know. You thought we were friends. We were the new kids together in freshman class, along with Jessica. Well, I have no friends. I have some acquaintances, but no friends. I know. That's really sad to hear. Since we moved here, I haven't had any friends. It's just the truth. As for what Alex did... Well, he voted me on a stupid list that changed everything for me, even though it was just a joke to him. He put on there as Best Ass in the Freshman Class. And guess who was opposite me, in the "Ugly" column. That's right. My other "friend"-_

I can hear the sarcasm dripping from my voice.

_-Jessica Davis. After that, things just went downhill. It didn't help my reputation either. People started to harass me, and I could hear the whispers behind me as I walked down the hall._

_Mom._

_Mom, you have to understand. Life is a living hell for me. No one likes me. No, no, that's not true. People like me for what I'm not. Very few like me for what I am._

_Mom, God must not be very fond of me. He gives me something good, and then turns it into something bad. I just want it all to end._

My voice starts to quaver.

_I love you, Mom, but I can't walk through this world only loving two people: you and Dad. If presented with an opportunity to get into a relationship, I always push him away. I'm suspicious. I'm cynical. Call me what you want. I can't love anyone else. I can't trust anyone enough to let them close to me._

_If I have no love, no friends, what is life? I said it before, and I'll say it again. Life. Is. Hell. For me._

_I know you and Dad are going through a lot of shit right now, what with your store closing and all._

Tape Hannah sighs.

_I'm sorry this had to be piled on top of that. I just... I couldn't stand it any longer. I can't take it anymore. I love you, Mom._

_I love you._

Tape Hannah sniffles quietly.

_Love, Hannah._

A silent static overtakes the room. After several seconds, my muffled voice vibrates through the stuffy air.

_Turn over for more. Dad, you're next._

I press stop.

* * *

**a/n: Hello, all! I hope you enjoyed this! I wrote most of it when I wasn't really paying attention, so I'm sorry if there's something wrong. Again, thank you! Bye bye! ;-)  
-turquoise**


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